Having a lively conversation on Twitter a few days ago about exactly when the rock group Genesis was ‘pre Phil Collins.’ Collins joined the group in 1970, but the personality of the group was still determined by lead vocalist and primary songwriter Peter Gabriel. Collins did do some lead vocals during the 70-75 ‘Gabriel’ era, and took over entirely when Peter left. None of that is important, nor is it business-related. What happened next is both.
When the conversation reached this juncture, the other person wrote something about ‘wasting time in a silly argument about a band.’ Clearly, they hadn’t been having ‘a lively conversation’ but an argument. (Oblique lesson: remember, kids, that email, IM, Twitter, any written communication, reads much flatter than you meant; plain simple statements, without the warmth of a facial expression and tone of voice, can sound harsh and obnoxious.)
At this point, the right thing is to apologize for giving offense.
That’s not enough. It’s the right direction, but doesn’t go far enough. An apology might alleviate further damage, but rarely does what we’d like as far as cleaning up the mess.
Wouldn’t it be nice, instead of simply stopping the negative flow, to create a positive direction in the relationship? Here’s how: make the apology excessive. Make it a big, passionate, almost over-the-top plea for forgiveness. Now, it’s important that your motives are good, or this will come out sounding like sarcasm. But if you really feel passionately about reconnecting with someone, soothing hurt feelings, a sincere but excessive apology creates a sort of yo-yo of emotional energy; the other person actually feels compelled, now, to comfort you! They will almost inevitably apologize back, actively looking for a way to reconnect with you—which is what we wanted, right?
Here’s the bonus tip: if someone’s perturbed, and taking it out on you even though it’s obviously not your fault, apologize. Same trick, same results. In this case, any apology is excessive. “I’m really sorry about the traffic today; I can imagine how frustrating that was.” Emotional yo-yo again.
An apology where unwarranted, or excessive where warranted. Magic trick to smooth ruffled feathers and take the smoke and sting out of a conversation and let you get back to business.